Chapter 4: Confession

So I'm in jail. I agree its not ideal. I get a mild case of brain-burn and physical memory begins dumping... And I know there's something I really don't want to forget, something I really need to follow up... But its too late.

All I am is... here.

Temporary residents of police building's suprisingly efficient holding-cell level are, on the whole, polite and well-groomed. You couldn't ask for a better specimen of humanity than the gent sitting across from me, except for maybe a shave and the fact that he's in jail.

'So why are you here?'

'They made me.'

A young hospital orderly passes, dicking around with his keys, including his pass-card, which seems to get him through the doors at either end of the floor.

'Excuse me, sorry to bother you...' I say, gather curls, bury behind ear; come up to bars till I feel his breath on me.

'Not at all,' the man, clean-shaven, dressed in white, smells of psych wing, 'What can I do ya for?'

'I understand why I need to be here, it seems perfectly reasonable when you think about it, and peace isn't something I'd ever on purpose want to disturb...'

'Of course.'

'And everyone's been so nice, I hate to make a complaint... But I was wondering if there was any way we could get a TV in here?'

'Ah.'

He seemed to want to help till he heard my request.

'Is there any special arrangement we could come to...'

'We generally only assess special needs of a medical nature...'

'I have some of those, whatever you need, what do you need?'

Looks worried he's being joked on, forces himself to laugh, 'I better go.'

'No... Don't.'

'I better.'

'What if I like gave you a whole heap of money, and some other shit?'

'Um... Do you have a whole heap of money?'

'Not really.'

'Um...'

'I'll be your best friend... I haven't seen a bit of TV in like three days... I'm pretty sure the end of the world's coming and I'm missing out...'

'Trust me, you haven't missed a thing, there hasn't been anything on...'

'That's just the kind of thing you would say.'

'Okay, I'll speak to my friend about it... Wait here.' Goes a few steps, looks back, becomes crippled by his accidental wit. 'Wait here!' So pleased with the phrase he clones it to test if it produces the same amusement as the original. It does.

Strain eyes to near edge of head to see orderly input a code, probably numerical, would have to be memorised... And disappear for a while, coming back with his friend... They pause every so far along the long hallway, speaking in hushed diatribes and unintelligble fits of hissed laughter... The friend: big gut, psoriosis... United they stand and expect to derive some kind of amusement from me by whatever means necessary.

'How come you want a TV?'

'Oh, I kind of mentioned something about it... I think.'

'You know this is a jail, right?'

'I know.'

'How come you think you get a TV?'

'I've seen it in the movies... There's always men watching TV in jail.'

Men look at each other with great excitement, their moment is here... 'Seen it in the movies, he says!' There's no stopping it now... Imminent scene of being laughed at... There it is... All the capillaries along the spine and up the neck grow hot under their scrutiny...

'Guys, stop it.'

'What did you want the TV for?'

'I just need it... No reason...'

'Do you have special needs?'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'You can't want it very much if you won't convince us.'

I watch the men. They watch me. A whole lot of watching goes on, none of it particularly comfortable. The one dressed like a hospital rubs at his groin, the other perceives this and glares down at him.

'Would you not do that?'

'What?'

'That. That thing you're doing. Down there.'

'This?' The hospital orderly asks, and does it again.

The burly one shakes his head and stares back at me. I take my cue.

'I have a kind of addiction... I haven't been without TV for about nine years. I pretty much don't know what life's like without it... That's all I do. I miss whole weeks of work for it. I organise my life according to the TV schedule. I've said no to many relationships based on conflicts with my favourite shows. I organise my routine according to how 'must-see' certain things are. I'm a wreck. Its killing me to think what I'm missing for these pointless conversations...'

The officer's eyes responded in a way that synchronised with the things I said... Like he was kind of taking it all in, and it was having an effect on him. I have a feeling I really connected with him just now. He looks kindly at me.

'What are you missing right now?'

Little snakes begin to crawl around my elbows... Always in places I can't kiss it better... Isn't it funny how people look at you when you try and kiss your elbows in public...

Mouth purses, brow folds, tongue deals with spasming jaw.

'Missing something I like...

'People keep locking me up... And when I'm not locked up, I can't find a TV anywhere. I'm going back to my apartment as soon as I can.'

Hospital orderly whispers something to the officer. Officer scrutinises me and nods.

'Okay, put your hands through the food-hole, we're gonna open you up. Apparently you're of interest to some people upstairs.'

Teeth chatter, begin jabbering. 'Upstairs? I wouldn't like that. I'm afraid of heights...'

Big face is pressed up to the slot, billowing cloud of breath on plexiglass. 'Don't worry so much about that... We'll look after you. Just show us your hands.'